Tuesday, August 21, 2007

“You’re grieving. It’s a process.”

Billy Crystal, Analyse This


Raging Heart


I write this with a leaden heart. It is never easy, saying goodbye- especially to someone who is important, who matters to you; someone who walked with you, hand-in-hand, through the darkest path in your life; someone, a particular someone, I might add, who is your first love, your one love, your only love.

I come to you naked. THIS is ME, heart and soul, condensed to a point; a Raging Heart. Each word, every word, in this writing has been weighed and measured. Where necessary, I have been hesitant, avoidant, convoluted- but mostly, I am honest and concise, using the simplest words I can find to express what I feel. Much effort has been put into the crafting of this Heart, therefore, I beseech you, defer all judgement until you have read it in its entirety; thought about its significance; evaluated the times we shared, for writing this.. writing THIS

It is as much for me, as it is for you.

---

I remember one of the first times I met you. Orientation tee, PE shorts- a little fairy skipping gently, all else pales in comparison. It was during banner construction, frustrating it was. You were the fresh breeze above the bauble of confusion, nourishing a tired soul. My heart sang every time I saw you. Every moment was an opportunity to get close, to know this angel descended from heaven. A walk with you to the MRT station, even if it was only in a group. A meal together, food for the ages.

I found out your birthday, the 13th of February. I had you added to MSN. I admit that I walked into this relationship not knowing what to expect. For sport, if you will. I was immature, not ready for commitment. But much has changed. I have not regretted the decision to ask, despite all the hard times we have been through. You rejected me twice. The third time, you said to give it a try. That moment was, and still is, the happiest one of my life.

Oh but it was never meant to be, never meant to be.

The weight of the Himalayas, the Rockies, Pyrenees, the Alps, crushed down upon my chest. One bosom is not place enough to heap the troubles of the world. Limbs grew cold- lost their strength- atrophy. Blood boiled; resolve cracked- molten lava; molten steel. My heart throbbed- each beat the sound of thunder, reverberating across the plains. Before I knew it, I had completed ten rounds around the planet, but sadly, I realized, not a single revolution around the inside of my soul.

Are you oblivious to what I feel for you? Perhaps it is self-deceiving; conceit. But I truly initiated the break-up because I could not give you what I thought you deserved. I wanted to go on a journey of self-discovery- you go see the world too- to find out what I wanted in life; to find my purpose; the wherewithal to give you a good life. I will ask again when I’m ready. I promised. You were the ends, I was finding the means. Maybe it was foolish of me to encourage you to find another. But my heart was in two places. Every time I asked you to do so, it was a test. “Let’s talk about something else”, you said. I had passed. I stood a chance. Oh how I have been misled.

This is a joke- it has to be. April’s fool, only in August- four months too late, eight too early. Or it is some plan to jolt me into action, to chase you back, to say I’m sorry. No, that is not the case, I waited day and night, for you to say that you wanted me back. It did not come. It is real, this is real. You have found another.

Oh but it is never meant to be, never meant to be.

Denial

---

It was after practice. We had Mos burger- Ebi rice, your favourite. Jermyn said something callous, confrontational. I sulked, I slunk away. I was hurt. At Tiong Bahru station, you did not leave with them. Made some excuse, followed me. I saw the nervous laughter when they asked you where you were going. You left on the train with me.

We watched Robots. Jazz + Funk = Junk? I did not care much for the movie- silly cartoon. My heart was all on you. Dinner time, only one of us ate, the other watched, contented. Funny it seems to me, it is not those intricate presents; complicated schemes that I remember, but these simple gestures- they touched my heart.

Did I give you enough of these moments?

May that I can pull down the heavens on this pitiful state of existence. The tides tear, the oceans rage. Lightning rend the earth asunder. Wednesday night, I still remember it as if it were yesterday. I asked you out, you asked me if I was free on another day. When you failed to tell me where you were going. I knew. It was over. It is kind of strange. When you told me last year about your cousin mistaking Ian as your boyfriend, I could not sleep that night. I was thinking of its significance. In literary terms, it is called foreshadowing. Saturday afternoon, I messaged, sought to find some explanation; some consolation. You told me you had done what I have always told you to do. Despite what I felt inside, I told you I was happy for you. I made some excuse, went to hide. You did not stop me, did not chase me back. You had asked me to go watch fireworks on Saturday night, to go out someday. Does that offer still stand? I did not care. It is as if I have been completely supplanted; replaced. Did I not matter anymore? Do you not care what I feel?

After all, I had suggested that you find another. I have prepared myself mentally, if only rudimentarily. I could have adjusted, if you did not hide, if you shared. Why did you not ease me into this? But slam the door shut on my existence? You made no action to find out how I felt. I guess there is no need anymore. That night, I could not take the silence anymore. I messaged. I was ok, I said. You should have asked instead. No reply. We can still be friends, I said again. You should have suggested this. When it came, the reply, it sounded obliging. No more messages came after. I was alone. Do you not know what I feel for you? Why does this have to happen to me? Why? Why? WHY?

The pain, Oh the pain. It is so hard to bear. I was furious. I did not understand. But then it came to me. This is not what I wanted to remember; what I wanted to take away from the two years we spent, together or apart. The hate, it will eat away at you, leave you an empty kernel- unfulfilled.

Did I give you too many of these moments?

Anger

---

Mid-autumn. The moon was full- cast a silver glow upon the streets. Warm yellow; sil’vry impassiveness on the way home. I was alone. Where was my love? Oh she was inconsolable. He had gone. You said you were ok, but I could see the sadness behind your eyes. A veil of sorrow, I writhed in my impotence, my inability to lift it. So I helped in the only way that I knew. I wrote something for you.

Do you still remember this blog? The poem I wrote in the darkest of nights? Or have you forgotten about its existence after that night? I wondered whether you were okay. I thought of you for three days and three nights- and for eternity.

As a means to cope, I revisited the past. Thought about our relationship, visited places we went together. The trees seem less green, the birds sang less. What was the colour of the flower I put in your hair when you cried? Was it red? Pink? Purple? Memory fails me.

I remembered this site- searched long for the password. Joy of joys when I recovered it. I had forgotten that it sounded like this. Some of the phrases, they seem foreign, said by someone else at some other place. Yet the feelings linger. My heart ached.

I remember you telling me about quarrels- quarrels with your sister, with Christine. If serving National Service has taught me only one thing. It is this- friends, they come and go; even love is mutable: you yourself have demonstrated it; family, now family.. family is forever. Treasure what you have now; treasure them. I see it clearly now. I should have treasured when I have merely complained. Siokteng, learn to forgive. Forgive them, forgive yourself.

That night, more than a year ago, you were inconsolable. I wished I could have done the best thing for you. I wished I could have bore your burden in your stead. I wish I could have shared your pain.

Light abandon. My world was shrouded in darkness. The confusion was palpable. I talked to Brian, but do not worry, I have kept my promise- he does not yet know who it is- your secret is safe. If that I were in one mind about what to do. If I really wanted you, I could chase you back. If I could forget you, then it is truly over. He asked me what I would do. I knew not, I replied frankly. The former, I know, causes only pain for both of us. I was no longer the one. I am not yet ready. My journey is long.

The next day, the bombshell came. At least, I thought philosophically, I was absolved from having to make the decision. I wanted you to be happy. I talked to many about what I was going through. Yet with each person, I made them promise never to let you know how I truly felt. I would keep up the act. You will carry on with your new-found life. But how is this to be, in a life characterized by hasty action? I wrote this Heart, to seek closure. I have struck often, before the iron was ready- ruined a thousand hammers, ruined a thousand resolutions- what more is this one last time, if it mattered? The irony of all ironies- I said that you still treated me like your boyfriend. But unbeknownst, it is me, who still treated you like my girlfriend.

Brian asked again. This time, I had an answer. I chose the latter, though I can never forget. I chose to do the dumbest thing in my life, and the best thing I could ever have done for you. I chose to let you go.

Bargaining

---

I remember the quarrels. They were always about silly little things. Me forgetting to reply to messages, refusing to ask you out on dates. Sometimes, they would blow out of proportion. I will not seek to play them down. Each argument was a cut in my heart. Every disagreement shook my world. I see it clearly now, my failings. I hid our relationship. What was there to hide? I failed to stand up and protect you. Even your name sounded foreign. Sun plaza? Where was that? You wanted to go. I wanted to go home. I made you cry. You initiated the date, but I had to ask. I never understood that contradiction. Oh why did I not? We have fun most of the time anyway. How silly I am. How I wish I could have turned back the clock. Live life with you once again. I will not disappoint this time. But who am I deceiving? I am a wreck of my own making.

I apologised often, refused to let you take the blame. And now, I will apologise again. I am sorry that I was not who you thought I was. I am sorry that I grabbed your hand without permission. I am sorry that I stole your first kiss, your first love. I am sorry that I made many promises that I am unable to keep. I am sorry that I broke your heart. I am sorry that I made you cry. I am sorry that I love you so much.

I do not remember the numbness being so encompassing, nor the pain so acute when we broke up. It was as if the real break-up happened a lifetime ago. Three days ago, to be precise. Laugh you may, but this is how it feels. Each moment without you is like a lifetime. Ten lifetimes. Millennia passed.

More than just a girlfriend, you were my best friend- My ONLY friend. Oh were that you were some strumpet, inconstant. But you are not. You are summit- a picture of perfection. No one else makes me feel like there are butterflies in my stomach.

You were there for me always, when I was down. You alone tried to understand. Now that you are gone, the sun has set in my universe. How am I to continue? A barren husk- No heart, no soul. Yearning for you day and night.

Believe me, I have thought of ending all of this, once and for all. I remember my bunkmate, Cefeng, who chose to end it. I remember thinking about his foolishness. Too young, too young. I hoped I could have known him better. Made an effort to talk to him. But now I understand. He dared to do what I did not- but I love my family too much. I love you too much.

Depression

---

In many ways, junior college was a great disappointment. Band was one of the main reasons I came over to Raffles. You should know- I am a rebel. I refuse to take the most obvious paths. RI band was magical for me. I found my real family- Jermyn, Daniel, Arif, Benjamin, Benny, Xue Yang, Jeff. I used to tell them, when they left school, if the only thing they took away was how to play their instrument, then I have failed terribly in my job. It has always been my wish to impart to them skills that transcend school, skills that can be applied in life- perseverance; strength; vision. It was my life. They gave me purpose.

I believe the first conscious step in my journey began during that period. You were there with me, when the going was tough. You alone made two years of suffering bearable. I thank you sincerely, from the bottom of my heart for that.

That much said, I still cannot shake the feeling that my life yet lacks the purpose that I seek. That is why I want to take up philosophy, to seek reconciliation with the questions in life that have no answers. That is why I want to study overseas, to escape from reality, from the person that I am. I am thoroughly disgusted.

I think I told you this story before, but here goes. My brother has a good friend from overseas. He told me that in Singapore, when one is in secondary school, he is judged by what PSLE grades he had achieved. For junior college, it was O level results. University was about A level results. After that, it was about honours, or the lack thereof. Strange to me, and I let him know as much. If that were not the case, how was one to be judged? He replied: “why is it even necessary to judge?” I was so immature.

I remember telling you that since young, I have often imagined my parents leaving. I wondered where they would go? Was there life after death? Would they be at peace? It was unbearable. But I did not tell you. I still have those nightmares, only it was now about you.

Ian will be what I was unable to be- and that much more. Walk forth, chest up, backs straight. Never look back. You have all my blessings.

I remember a misunderstanding with a friend. I sought forgiveness. “Pretend it didn’t happen,” he said. I did not script my reply, but when it came, the feeling was profound. “It did,” I replied. “But we learn from it.”

It is very difficult. It will take a long time for me to get over you. But I am trying-

I am trying.

Acceptance

---

Perhaps you may ask, what my purpose is in penning this Heart? To tell the truth, I do not have any idea. Something just drove me. I wrote furiously. Dug up memories. Made revisions. Tore up paper. Broke down. Started over. I was unable to rest until I completed it.

When it was done, I breathed a sigh of relief. It was as if some cosmic curtains have been raised on the stage of my heart. The ball is no longer in my court. What I gain from this Heart, is no longer up to me. But know this, I have achieved much. Closure, at least, is some consolation.

I am resigned to my fate. I care no more. Believe this, I will CHANGE the world. Just that.. how I wish it will happen with you by my side. Even if I should find another, I will never forget you. How could I? The happiest memories of my life. Siokteng, live life well. Be HAPPY. Walk into the future, unafraid. I will stand by you whatever you may decide. If need ever arises in the future, tell me. From the four seas, armies gather, rush to your side. The dead and the living, all rise to do your bidding.

I will always love you.


The journey has been long, I

Cherish every moment; never forget

Angel of my Heart

Goodbye

Stay safe

I hope to see you soon


Your best friend,

Then and now


Forever


Tuesday, July 12, 2005

::Lost:.

You say you are fine- But are you really?
A brave front; false bravado.
So many things i want to say, yet
You do not give me a chance-
You do not give
Yourself a chance

I want to tell you not to feel
Sad, but that is ridiculous-
I know I would feel
Sad too; yet you are not
Alone, loss is no alien-
To me as it is to you

She left last year
Quietly in the night-
No storm, no thunder, no ominous music
Only silence, yet not unexpected
She has battled long; I will not wish such
Fate upon another

Once a year we met; I
Measured the worth of a red packet
Against the doll lying on the bed
Lifeless. Her eyes were closed; the
Curtains were drawn- I
Wondered if I could have known her better

Yet that little fleeting, I
Owe her memory that much; no
Regrets. The hopelessness
Returned tonight; music
Played, but my heart was not there-
It ached (with the void in yours)

I do not claim to understand;
Just hope that you will give me yours
So hard it was for one so
Distant;
I can only imagine- he is so
Close


My heart;
Words do no justice-
My love;
I will keep this vigil with you tonight